Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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