Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
