My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
