I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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