i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
