put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
