I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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