i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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