I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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