there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
