i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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