wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
