Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The best revenge is premature balding
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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