i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
