did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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