Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
time to smoke my breakfast
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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