I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
