call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
