So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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