Im at strip club and am horny
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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