So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
