My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize