her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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