it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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