She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
