I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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