apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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