fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
