My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
