My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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