Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
