Umm I'm too high to move.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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