everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
