oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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