It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
