I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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