lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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