Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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