last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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