who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Terrible idea I love it
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize