you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
