i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
