How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
