I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Randomize
