just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
