i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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