He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
