why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
