i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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