finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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