Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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