addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
