Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
