what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
