Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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