I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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