Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
