You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
