my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
