Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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