No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize