just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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