If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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