covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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