i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
