Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Send help, water and tortillas.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
