im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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