Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
