Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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