So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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